Let us consider Arnold, child of God. Around the age of thirteen, Arnold frequently experienced what he called the hopelessness of forever. He had chronic bouts with intense feelings of anxiety as his young mind wrestled with the dread his impression of eternity produced in him. Sunday School lessons throughout his childhood had led him to believe that his soul ("whatever that is") would exist throughout eternity.
Arnold could not come to grips with the thought of perpetual existence either in the promise of heaven if he were good or the torment of hell if he were not good. And even though Arnold rejected the idea of a "merciful God who could be merciful and still sentence any of His so-called children to eternity in the torment of an agonizing hell's fire", that scenario was never a major concern for him.
Intellectually and emotionally, Arnold never really entertained the idea of his soul existing in the torment of an eternal fire. The thought and dread of living forever in any form and in any place, even in heaven, created so much anxiety in Arnold that nothing else mattered. The very thought of eternal existence scared him. He could not come to grips with the idea that he could "go on and on with no possible end, no possible closure, not even a mild refrain, to existing.
Arnold memory of his anxiety and fear includes a hot summer 1956 summer afternoon when he joined a group of his friends and playmates in a game of softball in the baseball park of the small southern town in which he was born. Between innings he had gone to get a drink of water from the solitary pipe behind the small covered grandstand. As he bent over to take a drink he was struck by an almost overpowering panic caused by his failure at that very moment to make his usual quasi-peace with the idea of being an eternal being.
He felt a wild silent hysteria and was almost overcome by the urge to run away, "but there was no place to run to". He could neither escape the planet nor be free from his existence and his destiny with forever--not even after death. He admits that he had a strong desire to die early and be finished with his frequent bouts of panic over perpetuity. He did not force the issue. Not because he was afraid of dying, but because he was more afraid of the eternal consequences that awaited him. So without any of his playmates being aware of this scary battle with his fear, a battle he feels he almost lost, he buried his fear and played softball instead.
Arnold's fear of existing forever was made worse by an emotional paradox. The thought of eternal existence either as a spiritual soul or a physical being, even in heaven, flooded him with trepidation. On the other hand, the thought of dying and being forever extinct while the rest of the world moved on some how disturbed him almost as much. Arnold' paradoxical pain and fear of death and eternal life maintained a constant vigil. And eternity was the ogre, "one of the monsters and demons in my head".
Arnold's memory is not of an unpleasant childhood. Arnold speaks fondly of his youth. Growing up in a small southern town had many positive influences on him. The love of his family coupled with good boyhood playmates and the appreciation and respect of important adults in his little town left Arnold with a strong sense of belonging and self-worth. Enough people thought him to be special that he believed it too. it helped to develop in him the self confidence every adolescent need on the road to becoming a mature adult.
Arnold's relatively successful passage into adulthood occurred in spite of the monster in his head. During the passage from adolescence to adult when other monsters and demons, especially the Ogre named Death, joined the Ogre named Eternity, he still managed to have what he remembered to be a happy childhood. That is as it should have been. Arnold's conflict was not with life, his conflict was with God.
Ignoring God and the consequences of his death, he was able to cope with the stress God, death, and eternity inflicted on him. He concentrated instead on the act of living. Alone, however, especially in the dark of night he frequently struggled with and sought refuge from the relentless assault of his ogre and all the monsters and demons that found a home in his head.
Arnold grew consciously angry with God and consciously afraid of God. He became angry with God because he believed God, either on purpose or by neglect, let him wallow in the ambiguity of his reality. He became scared of God because he feared the wrath of God over his anger and mistrust of God.
In Arnold's mind, God had ignored his most passionate pleas to help him purge the fear and pain that beleaguered him. In Arnold's mind, God's creation was a cruel hoax, beset with monsters and demons that purposely plagued his psyche. He believed the cruelty was more intense for him and people like him who are possessed by a questioning intellect. He believed that his kind of intellect was a burden when he, given what he was taught in Sunday School, in church, and else where, tried to find the threads of logic that made sense of God and his place in God's creation.
Arnold's failure to feel a response from God seemed to him to be a celestial sentence of solitary confinement. Arnold felt alone with his ogre, monsters, and demons. He suffered his pain and fear alone. He did not know how to ask for help. Nor did he think anyone was capable of giving him any of the kid of help he needed. Nor did he think he could ask for the kind of help he needed without risking hurtful ridicule. As a result, he received no help in his need to know God up close. Nor could he expect any help in making peace with his fear of his existence. The invisible chaos inside Arnold is not a a solitary event. Other children of God suffer different ogres, monsters, and demons, but share similar pains and fears.